Why We Argue About the Small Things (and What It Really Means)
The Mystery of the “Small Things”
Sometimes the little things feel like big things. At Couples Therapy Massachusetts, we explore what those moments are really trying to tell you.
Anyone who’s been in a relationship has argued about the tiny things; the everyday moments that somehow turn into big reactions. In my last blog, Why We Shut Down During Conflict, I talked about how our brains shift into survival mode. The “small things” we argue about often come from that same place. You and your partner can argue about small things that get under each other’s skin, some people call them pet peeves: the way the dishwasher is loaded, how the laundry is folded, or who forgot to take out the trash. When people live together, whether dating, married, or even roommates, everyone has a different way of doing things.
I’ve worked with couples who have gone multiple rounds over these everyday tasks, both feeling completely justified in their approach and deeply frustrated that their partner doesn’t see it their way.
When I meet with couples in therapy, I’m often less interested in what they’re arguing about and more curious about how they argue. Is one person more vocal while the other goes silent? Do both partners dig in and defend their stance? Does the tone escalate to swearing or name-calling?
The truth is, the issue usually isn’t about the dishwasher or the laundry (though I’ll admit, I think I fold laundry the “right way” too and don’t get me started on the dishwasher). It’s about what those moments represent. Underneath the argument, there may be feelings of being unheard, disrespected, dismissed, powerless, or out of control.
These moments are incredibly common, and they aren’t a sign that something’s wrong. They’re actually opportunities to understand yourself and each other more deeply. At Couples Therapy Massachusetts, I often use these small moments as entry points to uncover what each partner is really trying to communicate.
Why Small Things Feel So Big
The reason small things like how the Tupperware is organized or whether the toilet paper roll is facing the right way, can feel so big is because they often poke at underlying emotional wounds or vulnerabilities.
When your partner doesn’t follow through on a request, it can activate an old, familiar story in your mind:
“If she doesn’t follow through on this, how can I trust she’ll show up when I really need her?”
“He never listens or takes what I say seriously.”
“If I actually tell her what I’m thinking and wanting to do, it will start a fight, so forget that.”
Your brain interprets these moments as a threat. The last blog I wrote about outlined how our brains get thrown into survival mode. How you respond, whether with frustration, withdrawal, or defensiveness, often stems from patterns learned from your family of origin.
This isn’t to say that your family is to blame. Our families often did the best they could with the tools they had. But we all tend to repeat what we’ve seen until we become aware of it. From a family systems perspective, the “small things” are often echoes of the relational patterns we grew up in.
In the work we do at Couples Therapy Massachusetts, partners begin to recognize these echoes and learn how to respond differently with understanding and empathy for themselves and their partner instead of reactivity.
What’s Really Happening in These Moments
The Cycle Beneath the Surface
When I work with couples at Couples Therapy Massachusetts, I help them uncover the cycle that happens underneath the surface of everyday arguments.
For example, imagine one partner feels they’re doing most of the household chores. They start to feel unappreciated, unheard, and unseen. Out of frustration, they begin to lecture or criticize. The other partner, feeling attacked or unrecognized for their efforts, becomes defensive and withdraws.
This is a classic cycle, one partner pursues, the other retreats. On the surface, it’s about chores. Underneath, it’s about longing for acknowledgment, safety, and care.
What we see in arguments are survival strategies learned from our family of origin. For example, withdrawing, yelling, shutting down, or lecturing. What we don’t immediately see is what those strategies protect. That’s where the real work happens in therapy.
You’re not actually fighting about crumbs on the counter. You’re fighting for reassurance that you still matter to each other.
How to Step Out of the “Small Thing” Loop
Pause, Reflect, Reconnect
Here are a few ways to help shift the dynamic when you find yourself in these moments:
1. Pause before reacting: Take a breath and ask, “What is this really about for me right now?”
2. Shift from blame to curiosity: “What might my partner be feeling underneath this?”
3. Repair early: “That came out wrong. Can we start over?”
These practices take time and patience and practice. It’s not about perfection, it’s about progress.
At Couples Therapy Massachusetts, couples learn to slow down, name what’s really happening beneath their reactions, and rebuild connection one small moment at a time.
Seeing the Small Things Differently
Small Moments, Big Opportunities
The small things matter, not because of the crumbs, but because they reveal where we long to be seen and valued.
When we start to view conflict as communication in disguise, something shifts.
When couples learn to see the meaning beneath their arguments, they begin to feel more connected, less defensive, and more compassionate. If you’re curious about how communication plays into these everyday patterns, I dive deeper into that in Communication is a Skill, Not a Trait.
The goal isn’t to eliminate conflict; it’s to understand what it’s really trying to tell you and to find your way back to each other faster.
I am a trauma-informed individual and couples therapist trained in family systems-based couples therapy. I pull from a variety of frameworks, including Narrative Therapy, ACT, and Imago, just to name a few. My approach is authentic, down to earth, and infused with humor. My work with couples is rooted in the belief that relationships are both incredible and super hard, and that we’re not meant to navigate them alone.
I help couples develop empathy for themselves and each other while exploring how their personal histories and patterns shape the dynamics they bring into the relationship. Together, we create space for insight, healing, and growth so partners can learn new ways of engaging with one another, ones that reflect how they truly want to show up in their relationship.
Specialties: Couples Therapy, Individual Therapy for Anxiety, Burnout and Relationship Support.
