Why We Shut Down During Conflict | Couples Therapy Massachusetts
The Moment Everything Goes Quiet
In conflict, many of us hang a silent ‘closed’ sign without meaning to. Couples Therapy Massachusetts helps partners find the courage to come back later, together.
You and your partner are having an argument. Voices rise as each of you tries to make your point about who’s more responsible for the issue at hand. Then suddenly, one of you goes silent. It’s like they’re physically there, but emotionally and mentally somewhere else.
This moment of going quiet, of pulling away, isn’t random. It’s a sign that something deeper is happening. Shutting down is often an automatic, protective response to emotional overload.
In my work with couples, I help partners not only understand their cycles of conflict and connection, but also recognize the ways they each protect or cope when things feel tense. Knowing your own survival strategies, as well as your partner’s, is one of the first steps toward shifting the dynamic between you.
Many of the couples I see in Couples Therapy Massachusetts notice that one or both partners tend to shut down when tension rises.
The Science Behind Shutting Down
When you or your partner looks like you’re “checking out,” it’s not because you don’t care, it’s because your brain and body have shifted into survival mode.
Some people have the urge to fight; others have the urge to freeze. When this happens, the brain moves away from using the prefrontal cortex, the part responsible for logic, empathy, and problem-solving, and instead activates the amygdala, the oldest part of our brain. You might have heard this referred to as the “reptilian brain.”
This switch happens almost instantly, without conscious thought. It’s our body’s way of keeping us safe. If we spent too much time thinking about what to do in a dangerous situation, it might be too late and we’d be eaten.
So when you’re in a heated argument with your partner and one of you starts to shut down, that’s the brain’s alarm system saying, “protect yourself.”
It can look like:
Going still or quiet
Avoiding eye contact
Feeling frozen or lost for words
It can also feel like curling up inside yourself, like a hermit crab pulling into its shell. My kids love finding hermit crabs at the beach. They’re so curious and want to connect, but the crab senses danger (even when there’s no threat) and quickly hides in its shell. Only when there is stillness does the crab feel safe enough to slowly peek back out.
Humans are similar. Even if your partner has no intention of hurting you, your body might still perceive danger. When that happens, your amygdala takes over and you go into hermit crab mode.
The Hidden Costs of Emotional Withdrawal
When one partner shuts down, it often leaves the other feeling abandoned, while the withdrawn partner feels completely overwhelmed.
Without understanding what’s really happening, both partners can start filling in the blanks with painful stories:
“They don’t care about me.”
“They’re done with this relationship.”
“They don’t want to work things out.”
In Couples Therapy Massachusetts, we often uncover that partners who withdraw aren’t trying to punish or avoid. Instead they’re trying to survive the moment in the only way they know how.
What Shutting Down Is Really Protecting
The ways we cope in our adult relationships often have deep roots in our early experiences.
Think back to your childhood. When conflict broke out at home, how did you respond? Did you hide, stay quiet, or wait until things calmed down before reengaging?
Shutting down as an adult can come from learned patterns, times when expressing emotion didn’t feel safe or was met with criticism. Whether that happened in your family, at school, or among peers, your body learned that the safest way to protect yourself was to disconnect.
The nervous system works much like a machine: when it overheats, it shuts down to prevent further damage. When conflict feels “too much,” your nervous system does the same thing. It goes offline to protect you.
The tricky part is that the brain doesn’t always know the difference between a real threat and an emotional one. It reacts first, thinks later.
In Couples Therapy Massachusetts, I help couples understand these internal alarm systems, how and why they go off, and how to gently reset them. Together, we explore where these protective patterns come from and how to begin shifting them toward connection.
How to Reconnect When You’ve Shut Down
If you notice yourself shutting down, there are simple ways to reconnect with yourself and your partner:
Name what’s happening.
Try saying, “I feel overwhelmed right now; I need a minute.”Ground your body.
Notice your breath. Feel your feet on the floor. Name what you can see, hear, smell, or touch.Schedule a time to revisit the conversation.
Take space, but make a plan to come back when you’re calm and present.Use “I Feel / I Need” statements.
Replace silence or blame with clarity: “I feel anxious when we argue. I need a few minutes to calm down so I can stay connected.”
What Healing Looks Like in Couples Therapy Massachusetts
Conflict and disconnection never feel good and most couples want to jump straight to fixing the problem. But in therapy, we start by slowing down and getting curious about what’s happening underneath.
In our work together, we explore:
What activates each of your survival modes
Where those patterns began
How to recognize the early signs of shutdown
What to do when you find yourself in shutdown mode
Over time, couples begin to spot the signals earlier and can communicate what’s happening in real time. Instead of going silent, you might say, “I’m overwhelmed” or “Can we take a short break?”
This process builds emotional tolerance, self-awareness, and trust.
My approach to Couples Therapy Massachusetts is trauma-informed and rooted in Family Systems Theory. I also weave in techniques from Narrative Therapy, ACT, Imago, mindfulness, and IFS, depending on the couple’s needs.
Therapy isn’t about perfection; it’s about practice. The goal isn’t to never shut down; it’s to notice it sooner and find your way back faster.
Turning Silence Into Connection
We all get triggered during emotionally charged moments. The key is slowing down enough to notice what’s happening, both within you and between you, and learning how to communicate your needs from a grounded place.
Give yourself grace. If you notice you’re shutting down, pause. If you’re the partner watching it happen, notice what’s coming up for you without judgment. We can’t force our partners to connect when they’re not ready, but we can learn to meet these moments with compassion instead of frustration. I talk more about how couples can strengthen communication in my blog Communication Is at the Heart of Connection.
When couples learn to understand, rather than judge, their shutdown moments, they create space for empathy and repair, the true markers of a strong relationship.
I am a trauma-informed individual and couples therapist trained in family systems-based couples therapy. I pull from a variety of frameworks, including Narrative Therapy, ACT, and Imago, just to name a few. My approach is authentic, down to earth, and infused with humor. My work with couples is rooted in the belief that relationships are both incredible and super hard, and that we’re not meant to navigate them alone.
I help couples develop empathy for themselves and each other while exploring how their personal histories and patterns shape the dynamics they bring into the relationship. Together, we create space for insight, healing, and growth so partners can learn new ways of engaging with one another, ones that reflect how they truly want to show up in their relationship.
Specialties: Couples Therapy, Individual Therapy for Anxiety, Burnout and Relationship Support.
