Why Repair Matters More Than the Fight | Couples Therapy Massachusetts
Why Repair Matters More Than the Fight
How we are in relationship to one another, whether in friendship, family, or romance, is learned. We learn through the families, communities, and cultures we are a part of. That means we’re not doomed to keep repeating the same painful patterns that cause tension or disconnection for you, your partner, or your family.
Learning to repair after conflict is where real connection grows. At Couples Therapy Massachusetts, we help partners turn moments of disconnection into opportunities for closeness and understanding.
I’m not going to kid you, it takes a lot of hard, messy, and deeply worthwhile work. But it’s work that pays off for years and even generations to come, because your children will learn from what you model and what you pass down.
Since relationships are learned, repair, how we come back together after conflict or rupture, is also a skill that can be learned.
No matter how healthy a relationship is, every couple argues. The real difference between couples who stay connected and those who drift apart isn’t how often they fight, it’s how they repair afterward.
Repair is what helps couples turn conflict into closeness again. It’s the bridge that brings you back to each other after a misunderstanding or emotional storm. At Couples Therapy Massachusetts, I often remind couples that healthy relationships aren’t about being perfect or never getting into it with your partner. It’s about being able to look at yourself, own your part in the conflict, and learn how to make it right.
Repair is less about fixing the past and more about restoring safety in the present.
When Conflict Leaves a Disconnect
Even small conflicts can leave behind emotional residue, hurt feelings, distance, or resentment that lingers. That residue can quietly build up, like plaque on your teeth. You know it’s there and you think, I should probably floss (talk about what happened), but you don’t, because you know it might sting. So you leave it alone until it starts to ache.
One partner might withdraw, while the other wants to talk it out. Both are trying to protect themselves in different ways, but the longer the disconnection lasts, the harder it becomes to bridge it.
Some common reasons repairs are never fully made include:
Waiting for the “perfect time” to talk
Wanting to be right instead of connected
Avoiding the topic out of fear of making it worse
Minimizing the hurt (“It wasn’t a big deal”)
What Repair Looks Like in Healthy Relationships
Repair doesn’t have to be dramatic. Repair is really one form of communication, the way we reach out after a rupture. If you’d like to explore more about what healthy communication looks like overall, you can read my main blog, Communication Is a Skill, Not a Trait. In fact, when repair is practiced regularly, it can be quick and gentle. It often shows up in small gestures, a soft touch, a simple “I’m sorry,” or an acknowledgment like, “That conversation didn’t go well, and I want to try again.”
Healthy repair includes:
Owning your part: “I realize I got defensive,” or “I was feeling X, and it came out as Y.”
Expressing care: “You matter to me, even when we disagree.”
Validating your partner’s experience: “I can see how that felt dismissive.”
Reconnecting physically or emotionally: a hug, eye contact, or quiet closeness.
Repair isn’t about erasing conflict, instead it’s about re-establishing safety and trust so you can move forward together.
Why Repair Is Hard for Many Couples
In moments of tension, our nervous system often stays in survival mode. It can feel risky to soften or apologize first. Old patterns whether it be shutting down, fixing, or blaming, can take over before we even realize it.
The first step is noticing when you’re in reactivity. Once you notice you’re in your survival strategy, practice being gentle with yourself. Calm your nervous system. It’s nearly impossible to repair and own your part when you’re still guarded and in fight-or-flight mode.
Sometimes, it takes a while to calm down enough to reconnect. Everyone’s different. Some people can shift quickly, while others need hours to ground themselves before having a productive conversation.
At Couples Therapy Massachusetts, I help couples slow these moments down. When you can name what’s happening (“I’m feeling defensive right now” or “I want to connect but don’t know how”), it opens space for a different kind of conversation. Over time, with practice, calming yourself becomes easier and faster.
How to Practice Repair
Here are a few gentle ways to practice repair, even after a tough moment. It’s important that both people are ready for the conversation and willing to own their part.
Ask for permission to talk.
“Is it an okay time for us to talk about what happened between us?”
This matters because you’re checking if your partner is regulated enough for a conversation, and you’re inviting, not controlling, the process.Name what happened.
“That argument didn’t feel good at all.”Own your part.
“I realize I wasn’t really listening.” or “I got defensive when you brought up X.”Share your intention.
“I don’t want to stay disconnected. Can we try again?”Acknowledge emotion, not just facts.
“I felt hurt when you walked away. I know you needed space, but I took it as rejection.”Use micro-repairs.
Sometimes it’s just a kind word, a smile, or a soft “Hey, can we start over?”Don’t rush forgiveness.
Repair doesn’t mean instant resolution, it’s about rebuilding safety first. You can ask your partner what they need: “Would you rather spend time together or take a little space right now?”
How Therapy Helps Couples Learn the Art of Repair
In couples therapy, we create space to practice repair in real time. I help partners notice when they’re in survival strategies (fight, flight, fawn, freeze), explore what they’re protecting (often vulnerability), and gradually replace those strategies with more grounded responses.
Together, couples learn how to:
Recognize when disconnection happens
Understand what each partner truly needs underneath the reaction
Offer empathy and accountability instead of defensiveness
I wish I could snap my fingers and make that transformation instant, but real talk: this work is hard. It asks you to look at yourself honestly and practice something you may have avoided for years. And if you’ve been “dealing with it” in destructive ways, it means learning new tools to approach each other with more safety and understanding.
Over time, these new skills become habits. The more you practice, the easier it becomes to find your way back to connection even after hard moments.
Connection Is Built in the Repair
No relationship is free from conflict. But repair is where intimacy deepens, trust rebuilds, and communication becomes more authentic. When you and your partner can come back to each other after conflict, you strengthen not just your bond, but your sense of emotional safety together.
It’s not about never falling apart. It’s about learning how to find your way back.
At Couples Therapy Massachusetts, I help couples turn those moments of disconnection into opportunities for repair, healing, and growth one conversation at a time.
I am a trauma-informed individual and couples therapist trained in family systems-based couples therapy. I pull from a variety of frameworks, including Narrative Therapy, ACT, and Imago, just to name a few. My approach is authentic, down to earth, and infused with humor. My work with couples is rooted in the belief that relationships are both incredible and super hard, and that we’re not meant to navigate them alone.
I help couples develop empathy for themselves and each other while exploring how their personal histories and patterns shape the dynamics they bring into the relationship. Together, we create space for insight, healing, and growth so partners can learn new ways of engaging with one another, ones that reflect how they truly want to show up in their relationship.
Specialties: Couples Therapy, Individual Therapy for Anxiety, Burnout and Relationship Support.
