Communication Is a Skill, Not a Trait: Couples Therapy Massachusetts Can Help
Communication Is at the Heart of Connection
Smiles like this don’t come from perfection. They come from practice. Couples Therapy Massachusetts helps partners rebuild connection through communication.
The fact that you are reading this shows your desire, or at least your curiosity to make a positive change in the way you and your partner engage with each other. Relationships are at the heart of being human. They can nourish us, protect us physically and emotionally, and provide financial and practical support. At their best, relationships are a safe haven: a place to rest from the world, where we feel accepted and understood for who we are.
But relationships can also be deeply challenging. When misunderstandings pile up, a relationship can feel more like a stressor than a refuge. Two people coming together means two histories, two family systems, and two sets of personal trials and triumphs colliding. It’s no surprise that couples find themselves stuck in painful communication patterns.
Every couple struggles with communication at different points in their relationship, especially during times of high emotion.
Don’t kid yourself, even the couple who looks like they have the most amazing relationship has their struggles. Sometimes the couples that look like everything is “fine” on the outside, if you were a fly on their wall, you might see something very different.
When emotions run high, we naturally slip into survival mode. Our rational brain (the prefrontal cortex) gets hijacked by the amygdala, which is designed for survival, not empathy. In these moments, we aren’t thinking about listening or connecting, we’re fighting to protect ourselves. This isn’t something you intend to do, it just happens.
This can show up as:
Fight: arguing your point, refusing to take in your partner’s perspective.
Flight: avoiding the conflict altogether. This can look like not bringing up topics that you think will cause conflict or disagreement.
Fawn: people-pleasing, saying “Sure, it’s fine, it’s my fault” to keep the peace, or saying “yes” when what you really want is to set a limit or a boundary.
Freeze: shutting down, looking like you’re listening but being mentally checked out. You are physically present, but not emotional or mental there.
As you probably have guessed it, none of these patterns strengthen connection. At Couples Therapy Massachusetts, I help couples learn how to slow down, become more aware of these reactions that tend to happen automatically, and learn new ways of taking care of yourself in order to learn how to communicate with your partner to build safety, clarity, and compassion in your relationship.
Why Communication Breaks Down
Communication breakdowns are normal. Every couple faces them. The reasons often run deeper than the surface-level argument. In my work as a couples therapist in Massachusetts, I often see communication unravel for reasons like:
Emotional triggers from the past. Old protective patterns from generation to generation resurface in conflict.
Stress and unspoken expectations. Everyday responsibilities and hidden resentments quietly erode connection.
Feeling unheard. When we don’t feel truly listened to, we instinctively protect ourselves rather than reach for our partner.
The Protective Dance: Why We React Instead of Listen
Most arguments aren’t about the dishwasher or the bills. They’re about bigger things you can’t really see like feeling dismissed, unimportant, or misunderstood. When old wounds are touched, we react instead of respond.
The Stories We Tell Ourselves
Our brains fill in gaps with assumptions: “If they really cared, they’d know what I need.” or “They never listen.” These stories fuel disconnection unless we slow down and check them out. Often times, these stories are not fully accurate. When we don’t check out our assumptions, our thoughts, we run with them, get entrenched in strong emotions and go into our automatic (a lot of times unhelpful) survival strategies. This usually does not bode well for your relationship.
What Healthy Communication Looks Like
Healthy communication isn’t about never disagreeing, it’s about how we repair and reconnect. When couples build emotionally safe conversations, we see things like:
Active listening and reflection: “I hear you saying…”
Speaking from emotion, not accusation: “I feel…” instead of “You always…”
Staying grounded and respectful, even when disagreeing: Noticing your breath, noticing what you can hear, eye, smell, feel, taste.
Small moments of repair. Apologies, validations, and simple gestures rebuild trust and intimacy.
This doesn’t mean everything gets resolved perfectly. It means both partners walk away feeling heard and valued. So when you are having that thought, “they are always . . . .” or “I always have to . . .”, this is a time to check out that thought. Does your partner even know how you are preceiving things? Can you be curious and ask for more information in a calm non-emotional way? You may be surprised what your partner says. It may confirm what you were thinking all along, or it may turn your assumptions on it’s head, then shifting how you feel about your partner.
Common Communication Traps
Sometimes, with the of best intentions, we fall into habits that don’t serve connection. Do you recognize yourself in any of these?
The Fix-It Trap: Jumping straight to solutions instead of listening. Sometimes your partner doesn’t want a solution, they want validation.
The Mind Reader Trap: Expecting your partner to “just know” what you feel or need. No one is a mind reader. Even if you’ve said it before, ask again.
The Scorekeeper Trap: Tracking who did what, tallying chores or sacrifices. Scorekeeping breeds resentment and blocks generosity.
The Silent Treatment Trap: Withdrawing or going silent instead of expressing thoughts or feelings. Silence may feel protective, but it creates confusion and distance.
These patterns are human, but they can be shifted with awareness and new tools.
The Role of Grace and Curiosity
One of the fastest ways to soften conflict is to bring in grace and curiosity. Grace allows us to let go of defensiveness; curiosity helps us wonder, “What’s happening for you right now?” instead of assuming.
Healthy couples replace blame with curiosity. Instead of saying, “You don’t care about me,” try, “Can you help me understand what you was going on for you in that moment?”
How Couples Therapy Massachusetts Supports Healthier Communication
At Couples Therapy Massachusetts, I help couples identify the patterns in their “dance” and help them learn how to slow it down. By making the invisible patterns visible, couples can choose new ways of engaging.
In sessions, I support couples in:
Noticing protective behaviors (fight, flight, fawn, freeze) and learning to pause before reacting. I also help couple dig a bit deeper to understand where these survivial strategies originated from.
Shifting from blame to vulnerability: sharing fears and longings instead of attacks.
Practicing communication tools that can be used at home to reduce conflict and increase empathy.
My approach is integrative and eclectic. While I draw from a Family Systems framework, I also weave in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), Narrative Therapy, and other modalities depending on each couple’s needs.
Therapy isn’t about “fixing” couples, it’s about giving partners a safe space to practice new ways of speaking and listening, so their relationship can feel safer and more connected.
Simple Communication Practices for Couples
Even outside of therapy, small consistent practices can shift the tone of your relationship. Here are a few you can start today:
The 10-Minute Check-In: Take turns speaking for five minutes each without interruption. The listener’s only job is to reflect back what they heard.
Gratitude Practice: Each day, share one thing you appreciate about your partner. Simple, but powerful.
The Pause Button: When emotions spike, take a breath and ground yourself before responding.
The “I Feel / I Need” Framework: Replace criticism with clarity: “I feel lonely when we don’t spend time together. I need some quality time this week.”
Small changes, practiced consistently, reshape connection over time.
I am a trauma-informed individual and couples therapist trained in family systems-based couples therapy. I pull from a variety of frameworks, including Narrative Therapy, ACT, and Imago, just to name a few. My approach is authentic, down to earth, and infused with humor. My work with couples is rooted in the belief that relationships are both incredible and super hard, and that we’re not meant to navigate them alone.
I help couples develop empathy for themselves and each other while exploring how their personal histories and patterns shape the dynamics they bring into the relationship. Together, we create space for insight, healing, and growth so partners can learn new ways of engaging with one another, ones that reflect how they truly want to show up in their relationship.
Specialties: Couples Therapy, Individual Therapy for Anxiety, Burnout and Relationship Support.
