Phubbing, a combination of the words phone and snubbing, means ignoring or disengaging from another person in favor of using a phone during an interaction.

My partner says I am on my phone too much, but it does not feel like a big deal to me. What should I do?

Try approaching the concern with curiosity rather than focusing only on how much time is spent on the phone. The deeper issue may involve availability, priority, attention, or feeling emotionally connected. A couples therapist can help both partners understand what is underneath the recurring conflict.

Is Your Phone Hurting Your Relationship? 7 Ways to Reconnect With Your Partner

Mar 3

Written By Meghan Foucher

Key Points

The phone isn't the real issue — it's a stand-in for deeper feelings of being deprioritized, unheard, or emotionally alone with your partner.
Small, repeated moments of distraction quietly erode intimacy — even without one clear incident, they accumulate into a felt sense of disconnection over time.
Phones often serve as emotional avoidance — a way to soothe anxiety or overwhelm rather than face discomfort, which is why the pull isn't really about the device itself.
Research confirms the pattern — "technoference" studies link tech interruptions during couple time to more conflict and lower relationship satisfaction, driven by the resulting conflict, not the tech use itself.
Small, intentional shifts rebuild connection — changing your environment, systems, and rituals around phone use (tried as a week-long experiment) helps couples reconnect with presence, not just less screen time.

Last updated: July 27, 2026; Originally published March 3, 2025

A male and female couple sitting in bed where the male is looking at his phone and the female is looking at a book. — When phones start to replace intimacy, marriage counseling in Worcester can help couples rebuild the closeness that got lost along the way.

We've all reached for our phones to check one thing and ended up scrolling far longer than we intended. But in relationships, those little moments of distraction quietly add up, rarely because of the phone itself, but because of what our partner experiences when our attention repeatedly shifts away from them. This is one of the most common concerns I hear in couples therapy in Worcester, MA: not that a partner is glued to a screen, but that the person on the other side of the couch no longer feels like the priority.

One of the things I hear most often in couples therapy isn't "my partner is always on their phone." It's "I don't think they even noticed I was trying to tell them something."

The Botanical Garden

My husband and I had spent almost an hour walking through a botanical garden without looking at our phones. We were talking, wandering, noticing flowers we would have walked right past on a normal day. We sat down on a bench in a wooded garden over looking a beautiful mountain view. We were discussing how nice it was to be in nature, but also what a reprieve it was to be away from our phones. The only map we had of the gardens was digital. We wanted to take a look at the map to figure out where we were, but we realized in that moment how much we didn’t want to even take the phone out. My husband described it as his "life force energy" draining whenever he looks at his screen. He notices his personal energy battery becoming weaker, but when he is not on his phone, how much his energy exponentially grows.

I think a lot of us have felt some version of this without naming it. There's a difference between the tired that comes from a full day of living, and the flatter, joyless tired that comes from too much time on a screen. One replenishes you. The other quietly empties you out.

The Phone Isn't Really the Problem

Most couples don't come to therapy because of phones.

They come because one partner feels lonely. Or invisible. Or unheard.

The phone simply becomes the place where those feelings show up. Sometimes we reach for our phones because we're overwhelmed. Sometimes because we're anxious. Sometimes we're avoiding a difficult conversation without even realizing it. Just like many of the survival strategies we develop in relationships, our phones can become another way to soothe ourselves or protect against discomfort. The problem isn't that we seek comfort, it's when that comfort consistently pulls us away from the people we're longing to feel close to.

Most couples don't argue because of the phone itself. They argue because of what it represents. When your partner reaches for their phone mid-sentence, it can feel like you're no longer the priority. The conversation continues, but the emotional intimacy quietly disappears underneath it. That's usually the real thing being grieved, not the missed sentence, but the felt sense of relationship disconnection. This is often where marriage counseling in Worcesterbecomes less about the device itself and more about rebuilding the sense of being chosen.

Often, when couples start experimenting with putting their phones away, they discover the phone wasn't actually the hardest part. Sitting quietly together without distraction can feel surprisingly vulnerable, there's nowhere left to hide.

Why This Hooks Us So Easily

This isn't about blaming yourself. Our brains are wired to notice novelty, and modern smartphones are intentionally designed to capitalize on that tendency.

For couples, this matters because relationships are built on small, repeated moments of attunement, a glance, a response, a shared laugh. When a phone interrupts that loop, it doesn't just cost a few seconds. It can quietly signal to your partner that they're competing with something else for your attention. Over time, these micro-moments accumulate into feeling emotionally alone in a relationship, even when neither partner could name one specific incident that caused it.

Researchers have actually studied this. A 2016 study on "technoference," published in Psychology of Popular Media Culture by McDaniel and Coyne, surveyed married and cohabiting women about frequent interruptions from technology during couple interactions, and found that participants who reported more technoference in their relationships also reported more conflict over technology use, lower relationship satisfaction, more depressive symptoms, and lower life satisfaction. Notably, the findings suggest it isn't high technology use itself that's inherently detrimental, it's the resulting conflict from interruptions that impacts relationship satisfaction.

7 Ways to Be More Intentional With Your Phone

Change your environment:

Keep your phone in another room. Checking it becomes an intentional act rather than a mindless reflex.
Keep your phone out of the bathroom. Reclaiming even that space matters. (This not only helps you’re relationship with your partner, but also helps your bum from getting hemorrhoids from sitting on the toilet too long looking at your phone) Yikes!
Create a phone-free bedroom. It's a space for sleep and intimacy, not screens.

Change the system:

4. Turn off notifications. That ping conditions you to check automatically, pulling you out of the moment before you've noticed you left it.

5. Use airplane mode or Do Not Disturb when you want uninterrupted focus on a task, a conversation, or a person.

6. Make apps harder to access. Bury them in folders, a small gap between impulse and action is often enough to break the automatic scroll.

Change the ritual:

7. Have phone-free meals. Even a phone visible on the table, not in use, just visible, has been shown to affect the quality of conversation and connection.

Try This With Your Partner

Pick one tip and try it together for a week, not as a rule, but as an experiment in reconnecting with your spouse. Notice what shifts. The first few days might increase anxiety; that's normal, it's the itch of a habit loosening its grip. See how you both feel by day seven.

You might also try my husband's experiment: notice what happens in your body and mood in the moments you're phone-free versus the moment the phone comes back out. See if you can name your own version of that shift.

Frequently Asked Questions About Phones and Relationships

Is phone use actually linked to relationship problems? Yes. Researchers who study technoference among couples have found it's common within romantic relationships, and higher rates are related to conflict, jealousy, and lower levels of relationship satisfaction, intimacy, and relational closeness.

What is "phubbing"? "Phubbing" (phone + snubbing) means ignoring someone in favor of your phone mid-conversation, and it's become common enough to have its own body of couples research.

My partner says I'm on my phone too much, but it doesn't feel like a big deal to me. What should I do?This is one of the most common patterns that brings people into couples therapy in Massachusetts. Often the issue isn't the phone, it's what it represents: availability, priority, and attention. A therapist can help you both unpack what's underneath the surface-level conflict.

Can couples therapy really help with something as small as phone habits?Yes. What looks like a small habit is often a stand-in for bigger themes: feeling prioritized, feeling heard, feeling chosen. Working through phone habits often opens the door to deeper conversations about emotional connection and communication.

We Rarely Hear "Our Phones Are the Problem"

In session, people don't usually say that. Instead, they tell me:

"I don't feel important anymore."

"We're together all evening but somehow never actually connect."

"We're sitting on the same couch, but it feels like we're miles apart."

“We don’t really talk anymore.”

Those experiences deserve curiosity, not blame. Sometimes the phone is simply the place where feeling disconnected from your partner becomes visible, a symptom of something more worth exploring together.

If this pattern feels familiar, I'd be glad to help you and your partner find your way back to each other, phones and all.