Couples Therapy Massachusetts: Unpacking our Baggage
At Couples Therapy Massachusetts, we explore how the 'old tapes' from our past shape today’s relationships and how to shift them toward deeper connection.
I often get asked what the most common theme is in my work with couples. The truth is, the underlying theme in Couples Therapy Massachusetts is that everyone is carrying their own “stuff”: their burdens, histories, pain, and interpretations of those experiences. These invisible stories shape the pain points we hold and how we show up in relationships.
Think about it: everyone you pass walking on the street or driving in their car is carrying a lifetime of experiences with them.
How Our Histories Shape Our Reactions
Depending on your life experiences, how much therapy or inner work you’ve done (or haven’t done), the meaning you assign, often without realizing it to your past, your current stress level, even how much sleep or food you’ve had, all of this impacts how you respond to another person’s behavior, mood, facial expression, or body language.
For example, I’ve always been hyper-aware of people’s reactions to me in learning environments. I’m dyslexic and struggled in school. Early on, many of my teachers didn’t understand how I learned. As a child, I internalized this and noticed that all the other kids in the class “got it”. This became something for me to hide and try to mask in and out of the classroom. The story that got created for me was: I’m not smart. I’m small. My worth is less than others. I am not good enough.
That narrative shaped how I saw myself and others. I compared myself constantly, believing everyone else was smarter or better. This was my way of making sense of what I was experiencing.
Fortunately, I went to the Carroll School, a world-renowned school for children with dyslexia and language-based learning differences. Over time, I learned that my struggle was actually a gift. But still, old patterns creep back that are not helpful.
Even now, in professional learning spaces, I notice myself comparing and feeling anxious about how I measure up. The difference is, with awareness of my narrative, I don’t walk blindly into it anymore and have different coping strategies.
Why This Matters in Relationships
The same dynamic shows up in relationships. Let’s say as a child you were pushed away or ignored by a parent. At that developmental stage, you likely made meaning of it in the only way you could: I’m not good enough. I’m not lovable. Something must be wrong with me.
Years later, in adulthood, when your partner is distant, that old narrative can get activated instantly. Suddenly, you’re not just responding to the present moment, you’re back in the role of that child feeling rejected. And often, coping in ways that are no longer helpful for you individually but also not helpful for your current relationship.
The Work of Couples Therapy Massachusetts
The heart of my work in Couples Therapy Massachusetts is helping couples explore these invisible stories with empathy and curiosity. Together, we uncover how each person’s pain points collide and how survival strategies, like withdrawing, criticizing, or shutting down get activated and what to do differently when they get activated.
The more you both understand the roots of these dynamics, the easier it becomes to slow them down. From there, I help introduce different ways forward; paths that lead to connection rather than conflict.
