Couples Therapy Massachusetts: Finding What Is Working
Focusing on the wins, big and small at Couples Therapy Massachusetts
Man, it is so easy to zero in on what’s not working, whether that’s in our relationships, at work, or with our kids. Our brains are naturally wired to notice what feels “off” because that used to be essential for survival. Spotting problems quickly helped us avoid danger or fix something that could harm us.
Our Brains Love to Spot What’s Wrong
That survival instinct is useful when I need to catch a mistake in a work project, or when I’m building something and realize I left out an important piece. But in relationships, if all we ever notice is what’s broken, annoying, or difficult, it becomes really hard to see what is working.
When Noticing Only the Bad Backfires
Whether it’s with your children, colleagues, or partner, being hyper-focused on flaws or difficulties can leave the other person feeling criticized, defeated, and less motivated to make small but meaningful changes. It also has a negative impact on you. When you are annoyed or seeing all of the flaws in your partner, that does not help you want to connect and be close. It just invites distance and conflict. At Couples Therapy Massachusetts, this comes up all the time, partners who only notice what isn’t working miss the good that’s right there.
The Camping Tarp Story (Yes, Really)
I sometimes share a personal example with my clients: my husband and I often used to argue (and sometimes still do) while putting up a tarp on camping trips. (A dynamic I picked up straight from my parents!) Over time, we’ve become more aware of this pattern. Now, in the middle of an argument, one of us might pause and try to shift out of it. It’s not easy and it doesn’t always work. But when we manage to avoid the fight, or when the intensity or length of it decreases, I make sure to celebrate out loud with him: “Hey, did you notice that we didn’t fight this time.” or “Did you notice that I had more patience this time. That’s a win!” Those moments really do feel like big wins.
Celebrating the Little Wins Together
Acknowledging these wins, whether they’re your own, your partner’s, or the dynamic between you, matters. Celebrating progress helps both people feel seen, builds positive energy, and strengthens connection. It also shifts the focus toward what you want more of from each other. Plus, it simply feels good to notice what’s going well! That sense of momentum is powerful.
When I start to recognize my wins, my partner’s wins, or even my child’s wins, it not only boosts connection but also increases my self-confidence, my confidence in my relationships, it makes others around me want to spend more time with me, and it lowers my stress. And that, to me, is worth celebrating every single time.
How Couples Therapy Massachusetts Can Help You Notice the Good
In Couples Therapy Massachusetts, I help clients practice this shift: move away from only noticing frustrations and toward acknowledging wins, big and small. This simple change not only improves connection but also builds resilience, lowers stress, and fosters lasting growth in relationships. I have been working with individuals and couples for 20 years. Please reach out if you would like to book a free 15 minute consultation.
