Couples Therapy Massachusetts: The Stories in Our Heads
Check out the story you are telling yourself at Couples Therapy Massachusetts.
The theme of “what story are you telling yourself?” comes up often for me, both in my personal life and in my work at Couples Therapy Massachusetts.
Just the other day, my husband and I were doing things around the house, getting ready for the week. I was focused on checking tasks off my list, moving quickly without much thought. At one point, we started talking and he said, “Oh, thank you for telling me that. I thought you were just being [insert assumption].” He went on to explain how the story in his head was that I was upset with him.
When he shared his version of the story, I was able to explain that I wasn’t mad at all. I was simply focused on getting things done so we could have more time together later.
The Stories We Create in Relationships
We all create stories in our heads about why someone is acting a certain way:
Maybe they’re mad at me.
Maybe they don’t care about anyone else.
These stories show up when we don’t have all the information. And here’s the tricky part: the stories we tell ourselves are often tied to our own inner dialogue; old messages from our families, past experiences, or the places we feel most vulnerable. Once we buy into those stories, our emotions follow. Suddenly we’re not reacting to reality, we’re reacting to the version we’ve created in our heads by shutting down, snapping, or overcompensating.
But what if the story you told yourself wasn’t that the other person was a self-centered jerk? What if instead you considered they might be anxious and unsure how to start a conversation? How would that shift your feelings and your response to them?
Common Miscommunication Patterns
In my work at Couples Therapy Massachusetts, I often see how assumptions create distance between partners. Recently, I worked with a couple who fell into a familiar pattern: instead of asking questions and staying curious, assumptions were made. Frustration built, emotions escalated, and the space between them widened.
The Role of “Head Trash”
We all carry what I call “head trash”. It’s the baggage from our families of origin, past relationships, or even old experiences with the very partner we’re with now. That head trash shapes the stories we tell ourselves, but it’s worth checking out: is this head trash accurate, or am I misreading the situation?
A Simple Way to Check In
One helpful approach is to say something like:
“My head is telling me you’re mad at me.”
“My head is telling me you don’t want to go to this event because…”
Then add: “I just want to check if that’s accurate.”
This opens the door to conversation. You’re not accusing or defending. You’re simply naming your thought and asking for clarity.
Why This Matters
When we share our internal stories out loud, it allows our partner to respond with what’s actually going on. It also creates an opportunity to explore where our “head trash” comes from. And if it turns out the story is accurate, you now have space to talk honestly about what you’re experiencing, what you need, and what your partner needs too.
That’s the power of pausing to ask: what story am I telling myself?
Couples Therapy Massachusetts can help you rewrite the story together if you and your partner are caught in cycles of assumption and miscommunication. Please feel free to reach out today to schedule a 15 minute consultation call.
