Resentment in Relationships: 5 tips on how to prevent it
Resentment in relationships doesn’t have to be part of your long-term dynamic. Couples Counseling in Worcester, MA can help you break the pattern through healthy communication and meaningful connection.
Resentment in relationships doesn’t happen overnight. It’s insidious—a slow build over time. It often grows in relationships when important thoughts and feelings are either not addressed at all, or if they are, they’re left unresolved. For example, this can look like feeling upset or disappointed because you’re the one always initiating sex, or because you’re carrying a heavy mental load while your partner doesn’t seem to notice—or even if they do, nothing changes.
Of course, you don’t want to nitpick every little thing that disappoints you. Constant criticism can create just as much disconnection. So instead, you say nothing and try to move on… only for something else to come up. And that’s how resentment builds.
So how do you know when to speak up? How do you deal with this in a way that helps your relationship grow toward health and not dis-ease?
Here are 5 things you can do:
1. Be Aware of What You’re Carrying
Make it a habit to routinely check in with yourself—mentally, emotionally, and physically. What are you thinking and feeling? Are there recurring stressors or frustrations that you're brushing aside? What patterns do you notice in your relationship that leave you feeling unseen or overburdened?
Start to identify your role in these patterns. It is so easy to focus on your partner’s imperfections, but there may be something you can do differently as well. Next, consider sharing what’s been weighing on you in a weekly check-in with your partner. For example, if you’ve been feeling overwhelmed with work or parenting, say it out loud and what you feel you need more or less of.
Don’t assume your partner knows—what’s heavy on your mind might not even be on their radar.
2. Name What You Appreciate
It’s easy for our brains to focus on problems—it’s how we’re wired to keep ourselves safe. But what we focus on grows.
Make space to notice what your partner does well, even the small stuff:
The chores they handle, the way they make you laugh, how they check in when you’re stressed.
Gratitude is grounding. When you take a moment to say, “Hey, I really appreciated you taking care of the dishes,” it might seem small, but it can go a long way toward creating goodwill and connection.
3. Check the narrative you are creating
We all tell ourselves stories. I am especially creative in coming up with stories to explain someones mood or behavior that might not be accurate, like, “They’re ignoring me on purpose.” “They don’t care how stressed I am.” Often, those stories aren’t based on facts—they’re based on our past experiences or fears.
When you notice yourself spiraling, check it out with your partner.
Say something like, “I’ve been feeling like you’ve been distant lately—can we talk about that?” You may find your assumptions were spot on, or you might discover you were off the mark. Either way, it gives you a chance to connect rather than disconnect and realign.
4. Really Listen
You and your partner might talk regularly, but do you both feel heard? Resentment grows when we feel ignored or misunderstood. Good listening means:
Putting away distractions (phones, TV, etc.)
Being fully present while your partner speaks
Reflecting back what you heard: “So what I’m hearing is that you’re feeling overwhelmed and like I haven’t been pitching in much. Did I get that right?”
This kind of listening helps your partner feel valued and safe to open up again in the future.
5. Make Repair a Priority
No matter how mindful or connected you are, conflict and missteps are inevitable in relationships.
What matters most is how quickly and meaningfully you make repairs.
When there’s been tension, don’t let it fester. Circle back and say, “Hey, I’ve been thinking about our conversation and I want to make sure we’re okay.”
Repairing isn’t about being perfect—it’s about being committed to reconnecting, even after a rupture. Over time, this builds emotional safety and reduces the buildup of resentment.
